THE DAILY DIVERSION

Part 1 of (insert number here, because it may be many)

I spent quite a bit of yesterday trying to figure out how I was going to handle to daunting task of covering all of the events of the last two plus weeks. I never got around to actually making a post either, which, I'm sure, was a huge disappointment to my mass following! Yeah, something like that!

At first I wanted to make this very Tarantino-ish, by weaving story lines all over the place and then tying them all back together at the end (sans the blood and violence, which there was very little of). Then I got to thinking that doing such a thing would only confuse myself further and I'd never really get anywhere.

So, what I'm going to try to do is break up the story into a few posts, starting from my last day here and ending with yesterday's events. Hopefully my mind holds on to it's slippery grasp of reality and I can make it through!

Here we go...

As you may recall, Wednesday, May 24th was my last post. It was a culmination of excitedness, nervousness, and relief. I made it through the work day without any problems. My coworkers surprised me with a wonderful monetary wedding gift early that day. I'm still trying to think of a way to really say thank you to everyone, but I'm not sure just how yet.

I scrambled around most of the day thinking about anything that I could have forgotten. I made sure to pay my electric bill (actually I gave it to our department's assistant to take care of it) before I left, so that was taken care of. I checked my cable bill online and it showed that I had a ZERO balance, so I didn't really think about it any further. That would come back to haunt me later, but we’ll get to that, in due time!

I kept double-checking, in my mind, everything that I could possibly forget, and, as far as I knew, it was all there. I had done the most anal thing I could think of and actually mapped out my clothing for each and every day, from that Wednesday night to Tuesday, June 6^th. I actually put it on an Excel spreadsheet, so I could check off things that I had packed, thus not forgetting them.

I left work about five minutes early, just to re-check everything at the apartment before I left. I meant to turn off all of the ceiling fans and set the thermostat at close to 80, so it wouldn’t kick on much while I was gone. I remember to shut off the fan in the bedroom, but I was sweltering in the living room, so I forgot to shut it off. I did remember the thermostat though!

My buddy Kenny, from work, came and picked me up at 5:15, and we were on our way to the airport. I had printed out my boarding passes and all that good stuff prior to leaving work, just so I could check my bags at the curb and head straight to security.

The security checkpoint was a little busier than usual (by usual I mean Sunday afternoon’s or morning’s when I usually fly out of Memphis). Luckily I was pretty smart and packed most of my metal items in my backpack. I had already wrapped up my wedding present to Adrianne, without even thinking there may be something in there that the security personnel might not like, and put it in a big TJ Maxx bag with my backpack. I also had a small duffel bag that had my clothes in it for the weekend of the wedding. The duffel bag went through without any problems, but they wanted to re-check my TJ Maxx bag. All would’ve been okay if the woman behind me hadn’t have said “You’re lucky they’re not making you unwrap it.”

My mind started swarming. “What are they looking at? Holy Shit! If I have to unwrap that present, and rewrap it! Fuck that! I might just have to go off on someone! No! Don’t do that! You’ll end up getting detained, missing your flight, and maybe even the wedding! Just be cool! Act like nothing is wrong!”

I put on my coolest “What’s up Man?” look and stood by patiently. Finally, after what seemed like half an hour of going back and forth on the conveyor belt (in the X-ray machine) the guy sent it through. On the inside I left out a huge “Whew!” followed by a joyous yelp. However, on the outside, I was still cool as a cucumber. I gave a loud “thank you” to the X-ray operator, and a “Have a great night!” to the other security personnel at the checkpoint. Now, where’s my gate?

Memphis doesn’t have the biggest airport, but damn, they’ve got some food in there. The places I know of, off hand, are Corky’s BBQ, Neely’s BBQ, Arby’s, Lenny’s Sub Shop, Sun City Café ( I think that’s the name), and one other place that I can’t recall the name of right now (maybe Blues City something or other). I walked by both Neely’s and Lenny’s on my way to the gate. I had nearly two hours to kill before my flight left.

I called Adrianne to see what they were up to. It just so happens that they were already in Evansville doing a little shopping, and getting ready to go get a bit to eat at Nagasaki (Adrianne’s favorite Japanese restaurant). I told her that I’d probably be starving when I got there so to warn Larry that we’ll need to make a pit-stop. Then she had the brilliant idea that I should just get something to eat at the airport. I’m not quite sure why I didn’t think of it, but I didn’t, really!

I went back down to Lenny’s (my favorite sub shop) and ordered a #1, regular, on wheat, with lettuce, tomato, and mayo. I just call it the usual, but the folks at this Lenny’s didn’t know me like the guys at the one downtown, so I had to actually tell them the entire order.

I got my sammich and headed back to the gate to sit, eat, and listen to some tunes. Well, parts one and two worked out pretty well, but something went deadly wrong with part three. I found a perch where I could watch the airplanes coming in, unwrapped my masterpiece of a sandwich, then pulled out my ever-handy Ipod.

The display was already showing that something was playing, so I popped in my earbuds. Nothing. Silence. I looked at the display to make sure it wasn’t showing that the song was paused or something. It wasn’t. I pressed the play/pause button. Nothing. I held it down (which usually makes it turn off). Nothing. I started going apeshit (on the inside of course. Remember I was calm, cool, and collected). My Ipod had frozen up, just when I needed it the most! No way in hell this could happen to me!

“I’m going to need you my friend! Please come back to me!!” I’m saying to myself in my head. Still nothing though. My Ipod is stuck at the 2:37 second mark of “Jambi” from Tool’s 10,000 Days. It’s what I wanted to hear too. Oh, it was like being in hell, only it was a little hotter in the airport terminal that that!

Oddly enough, my flight was actually on time. Being in the last group to board, there were no places left for me to store my carry on items. Luckily enough, though, the stewardess (I guess that’s not the proper PC term, is it? Should I use Flight Attendant? FA for short?), allowed me to place my TJ Maxx bag in the front storage with her things, which was a little more protected than the overhead bins. I also told her that my present to my soon to be wife was in there, so I hoped she would take care of it for me, since I didn’t want to not get married. That would’ve happened if Adrianne didn’t get a present, I promise!

For the most part my flight was uneventful. The guy next to me wouldn’t say a word to me. I must’ve stunk or something, because he was talking the ear off of a woman in the terminal that I don’t think he really knew all that well. Maybe I just didn’t look like good conversation material?

You all also know it wouldn’t be an unpleasant flight without a young child kicking the shit out of the back of my seat and screaming the entire 45 minute flight, right? Well, I got three of them. One woman had three small children in her care during the flight. I know all were under the age of six, and they were constantly fighting, picking at each other, getting loose into the aisles, and just being a nuisance to everyone else on the plane. All the while Uncle Frank isn’t doing shit to help out poor Mom. What a bag of douche.

The flight comes to an end, finally, with a soft touchdown at Evansville Regional Airport. The funniest thing happens while everyone is standing, waiting to get off the plane. One of the rugrats behind me gets up and starts grabbing the booty of the woman who was sitting across the aisle from me. She tries not to get mad about it, but after the 4^th time she actually turns around and looks at the mother, and then the Uncle (who’s actually standing up, supposedly keeping an eye on this one).

We unload the plane, right on the tarmac. I saw my luggage sitting right outside, and should’ve just grabbed it then and there. Instead, like a sheep, I followed everyone else inside to wait on the stupid luggage carousel.

Have you ever come in from a trip and wished that someone was waiting there for you? Well, that was me that night. I had a great wanton for someone to be waiting desperately to see me, and hopefully give me a big kiss when I stepped into the terminal.

Unfortunately, my ride and welcome wagon was late (actually not really, I was a little early) getting to the airport. So, there I was, sitting all alone on a bench in front of the Evansville Regional Airport, the last person left from the last incoming flight of the night. I was really a sad sight.

Okay, that’ll get you started for now. The saga is only beginning!