THE DAILY DIVERSION

D-DAY IS HERE...



Well, folks (or anyone that happens to ever read this, whether you be plant, animal, or insect), this is it for me, for a while. I probably won't have another post until around June 7th or so. Supposedly I'm supposed to be back to work on that date. We'll see what happens!!

I'm taking a notebook with me, so if I happen upon any good material, I'll be sure to write it down. I'm sure something amusing will happen before the wedding even gets here, so I know I'll have something to write about. After all, we're going to play some golf on Friday, and that, in and of itself, will be comical. My golf clubs haven't even seen the light of day in nearly three years, if that tells you anything.

I believe I've got all of my affairs in order before I leave. Wow! That sounds more like I'm preparing for my funeral than wedding? That's not the case though. I just knew that I wouldn't be back here before the 5th of June, when my rent is due, so I had to take care of that. I also had to cut a check for my electric bill. Lord knows I don't want to get back here and have my power cut off. That would be a pretty bad start to a marriage. I think Adrianne might get a little upset about it. She doesn't like it when I pay the bills two days after I get them. We differ a lot in that respect. I could care less about paying them, in general, so I always send them in at the last minute, whereas she'll send them in the day she gets them. I've tried to explain that they're just making money off of her money, by sending them in so early, but she doesn't want to listen. In other words, I'll be letting her handle all of the bill payments!

I sat down yesterday, here at work, and typed out all of my notes to my groomsmen. I know, I should've been working, but I've got too many other things rattling around in my head. Anyway, I'd been thinking about each person's for almost two weeks now, and was finally able to put my "fingers to the keyboard" (it used to be known as "putting pen to paper"). A few of them were actually very sentimental and borderline mushy. A couple others were just funny, well, to me anyway. The last couple were just basically "Thanks". What do you say when you really don't know one of your groomsmen?

For all but one of them I actually transcribed my thoughts on to a card. I feel sorry for the poor saps that have to try to decipher my writing. Believe me, you'd much rather have me type something to you, regardless of how impersonal it is! However, for one of my two best men, I had to actually type it out. Originally it was in 12 point font and ran over to two pages. I shrunk it down to 10 point and got it all on one page. I made sure to handwrite a little note on the card too, just so he knows I wasn't just lazy! That one is actually the most mushy, and I probably wouldn't have been able to handwrite it out without shedding a tear or two. Again, yes, I'm a big wussy. I know already!

You have to understand that I was raised in a house with mostly women for my formidable years. It's not like I have a choice in the matter. Adrianne and her friend, Camille, have even stated that I could easily be gay, if it wasn't for the whole liking women, sexually, thing. They're partially right. I do have more pairs of shoes than Adrianne. I have a more expansive wardrobe also. I've invested wisely in my fashions over the years, and believe, when it's important, to look nice. Yes, I wear shorts, t-shirts, and flip flops around a lot, but just ask me to clean up for some event, and you'll see the best dressed honkey in the joint! I just decide to dress down because I have a uniform I wear all week to work. Yes, a suit, collared shirt, tie, and dress shoes does make a uniform!

However, being a man who has some feminine characteristics isn't a bad thing. I usually do well in picking out clothes for women. I have a knack for cooking up some marvelous shit to make your mouth water in the kitchen. I can do my own laundry and I only iron my clothes. I'm a master house-cleaner, when I want to be (which is rare).

On the flip side... I have a tendency to be a little softy every now and then. I rarely cry, however, and can show absolutely no emotion, even when I'm dying inside. So, if you happen to be at the wedding this weekend, and I'm crying like a little girl when I see Adrianne for the first time, just blame it on my Mom and Sis. They did it to me.

(Have a great couple of weeks without me! I won't be thinking about you while I'm on the beach in Mexico, drinking fruity cocktails, and enjoying some time with my new wife!)