THE DAILY DIVERSION

MY TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM IS OFF...

Yes, I missed posting yesterday. It doesn't really matter though, because it's not like I have a huge following reading my drivel every day. I didn't have a whole lot to talk about yesterday anyway, and I was absolutely swamped from the second I got here, which was closer to 8:30 than 8 am.

It was absolutely nasty here yesterday morning when I woke up. We had major thunder storms all around us, and especially downtown. I heard that some places down here were without power for a bit. Luckily my building has a back-up generator so our power never goes out. I woke up at my regular time, 7:30ish, and flipped on the local news to see what the weather was doing. It was pouring outside my window, so I tried to time it perfectly where I could catch a little break in the action, in order to get to work. Also, I'm just not a big fan of walking in the middle in a lightening storm. *Question to self: Why do they call them "thunderstorms"? Isn't the lightening a lot more dangerous? They should say "lightening storms". Maybe because "thunderstorm" flows better off the tongue?*

Anyway, I got to work and was immediately immersed in things to do. I had a little time here and there to check out some things on the internet, but not the adequate time to put toward posting another masterpiece. I've had more time to think about what I would've posted about yesterday now. So, hopefully this will be decent.

Earlier in my blogging career I posted about "When was the right time to go to Wal-Mart?" and lamented about my trips to that wonderful place. Well, now I have another story about that den of misery and insanity. However, it's not going to be what you think...

I actually had a nice trip to Wal-Mart on Wednesday. However, I'm not going to start the story there. My only intention on Wednesday was to hit up the tanning bed for 8 minutes of baking. I had planned on doing this since Monday, but in between Monday and Wednesday nights I had pretty much emptied out my fridge. I hadn't bought any groceries since the end of the first week Adrianne was here, so things were getting slim as it was.

My list of grocery needs started out pretty small: fruit, water, corn, green beans, chicken, 1 lb. hamburger, chips, and bread. However, you all know I ended up with much more than that. I had wanted to only spend about $25, but doubled that plus a little bit.

That's not really the story though. I always park over by the Lawn and Garden area. I do this for a couple of reasons, 1) no one ever parks over there, so I can park close to the door, and 2) it's usually close to the exit of the shopping center, so I can get the hell outta dodge without dealing with a lot of idiot drivers.

I parked about four spots from the door and ventured right in. Two older fellas were kickin' it at the entrance to the L&G area and both said "Evenin'! Howya doin' ta-night?" to me when I walked in. "Actually, very well! Thank you!" I responded. I like it when people show some sign of life and interact with me. I probably could've stayed there and chatted with these guys for an hour about absolutely nothing, but I had a mission to accomplish (as I always feel I do when I go to Wal-Mart, whereas Adrianne is there for sport), so I bid these gentlemen "good eve".

I stroll through the L&G department, eyeballing everything as I make my way inside. Man, the flowers they have out are nothing short of beautiful. If I had a yard, or someplace to plant some flowers I would've bought some. They just brightened up everything around them.

Man, I'm getting off subject... I casually stroll over to the grocery side of the story. Of course, I park on the opposite side of the grocery, so it's a 10 minute walk over there. I forgot to mention that I grabbed a cart out in the parking lot. Someone, recklessly, left their cart in front of where my car was parked, so I grabbed it. Nothing "gets my goat" more than people that are too lazy to walk over two parking spaces to put their cart in the return area. Well, I just wanted to help out the poor soul that had to peruse the parking getting all of these rogue carts.

It's kind of ironic though, as soon as I get to the grocery area there is a call over the intercom. It states that they need all available associates to the parking lot to collect carts. Or something like that. I'm sure they had a more technical term for "cart getting" than that. It is Wal-Mart after all!

Being the semi-intelligent homosapien that I am, yes, I do walk upright without my knuckles dragging the ground, I decide to start in the back of the store. I go directly to where the milk is. I ask myself "Do I really need milk? I never use it. Naw, don't worry about it." Yes, you guessed correctly, I did need milk, but I wouldn't find that out until I got home. Oh well!

I cruise down the aisle with all of the butter, yogurt, instant biscuits and cookies, etc. I had been trying to eat things better than Pop-Tarts for breakfast in the morning, so I decided to grab some more low-fat yogurt. I'm a cheap-ass, so I grab the Wal-Mart brand. It all tastes the same to me, and that's "Yummy!" "Yeah, eight is enough! Just like the show used to tell me." I tell myself.

The next aisle is the most dangerous one for a person like me. Yes, the “dreaded” soda and beer aisle. I browse quickly, knowing that I wasn't at Wal-Mart to purchase either soda or beer, even though the beer did look really good just sitting there in neat little rows, begging for me to dispose of them in a timely manner. "Not today my friends!" I tell them as I turn the corner. “Whoops! I forgot why I actually went down the aisle in the first place!” I tell myself as I pull a u-turn. I needed to get bottled water. It’s very important to stay hydrated!

Hmm... Chip and Snack aisle. Well, this is a stop I know I need to make. Once again, I'm trying to eat a little better, so I've only been eating the Baked Lays Chips. They've even got Baked Doritos, which I really like. They had the big bags which were two for $6, so I grab one bag of Baked Doritos and one bag of Baked BBQ Lays. "Damn! Those pork rinds look good! No! We're not here for that!" I have to reassure one of my other personalities that we're trying to take care of the body we're in. It is very important you know!

Okay, so me going up and down each aisle is pretty boring, so I'll stop with the pork rinds and jump into my checkout experience. I had planned on only using about a quarter of my cart space, but had successfully half-way filled it up, as well as filled the kiddy seat area.

Usually, when it's time to check out there are only 2 or 3 lines open and all have at least 5 people in them. I start to walk by the check out area closest to the grocery, since I'm parked on the other side of the store, but then a miracle occurs...

I spot a cashier finishing up checking out another patron, with no one in line behind him. "Man, this is my lucky day! Who cares where I check out!" I start shouting inside my head.

I walk up and start putting things on the conveyor belt. At first the young lady doesn't say anything to me, so I say "Hey! How are you doing tonight?" Her eyes light up, as if no one ever talks to her in a polite way while she's working. She responds "Really good! I'm getting ready to turn off my light and go home!"

I reply "That's good stuff! So, I snuck in just in time huh?" "Yeah, a lot of folks been sneakin' in on me tonight. I'm ready to get home." she comes back with. I say, "Well, cut that light off, and I'll be your last bother for the night!"

She flashes me a big smile and says "Mmm... That's a good idea." While she's scanning all of my goodies, she flips her light off. Now she just has to finish me up and she and I both get to go home happy.

She polishes off the last items on the belt and, with that "ooh, this is gonna cost more than you think" look on her face, gives me the bad news. I say "Well, I always come in here and spend a lot more than I mean too." She says "Yeah, me too. I think everyone does it."

I run my credit card through the machine, get my recipe and put the rest of my items in my cart. She says to me "Don't forget your noodles!" "Whoops! I'm going to need those later! Thanks!" That damn rogue bag on top of the bagging turnstile!

Lastly, she says to me "Thank you! You have a great night!" It actually sounds like she means it too, which makes me feel good inside. I respond "No, thank you! I hope you have a wonderful evening!" And so we bid each other adieu.

I know that was an excruciatingly long story about going to Wal-Mart, but when I have a pleasant experience, I want to be sure to share it with everyone. It's no good if I only focus on the bad times. This is because, like the girls and Mrs. Garrett used to say… "You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have... The Facts of Life!"

I like sharing the facts of life with everyone. I especially like sharing light-hearted stories too, since we have enough bad stuff going on around us all the time.

The last thing I'll discuss is a dream I had the night before last. Well, I won't really talk that much about it. Basically, I'm going to list what I wrote down, because I didn't remember any of it when I actually got out of bed yesterday, and still don't recall any of it today. Here is my shorthand (verbatim):

• Waiting for A
• Alicia Keys - selling ATT phone
• A & Camille show
• In Hawaii - cold rain

Yeah, that's it. Anyone care to try to decipher that hieroglyph? I thought not, so why should I. The only things I know for sure are that "A" in those two things mean Adrianne, I'm not a fan of Alicia Keys, so I have no clue why she'd try to sell me an ATT phone, and, finally, does Hawaii actually have "cold rain"?

If I have time later on, I really want to post about something I watched on the History Channel last night. It was about a guy from Hopkinsville, Kentucky. Really, really weird. I couldn't stay up to watch the entire thing though, since it ended at 1 am. Hopefully I'll get around to that today!