THE DAILY DIVERSION

Well, I've yet to have to make an entry about a loss in my life. So, this isn't a post I really how to approach. I guess I'll just start with the story and see how it goes.

Adrianne and I made it home from Bowling Green at about 6 pm on Sunday and we were just hanging out and relaxing, preparing for a long week, all while looking forward to being home next weekend, for only the second time this year. At 8 pm my phone rang. "Mom" showed up on my caller ID. I knew I remembered to call her when I got in, so I was thinking maybe I forgot something important at her house.

I answer in my typical "Helllllooooo", but her voice is low and she says "Hold on! Wait, let me call you right back!"

Immediately I knew something was wrong. Adrianne looked up from her work at me with a curious "What's wrong?" look on her face. I just sat there, looking at my phone, waiting for it to ring again, even though I got a feeling that I really didn't want to hear what was going to come out once I answered it.

After what seemed like an eternity, but was less than two minutes, the phone rang again, with "Mom" on the caller ID. I answered "What's going on?" this time.

Mom: "Well, your Grandpa Condray's friend Chuck called here trying to get a hold of your sister, after not being able to get a hold of your Dad."

Me: "Okay?!"

Mom: "Well, he found your Grandpa passed out on the floor and he's passed away."

Me: silence

Mom: "I'm so sorry son!"

Me: more silence

Mom: "I've tried to call your sister, but I can't get in touch with her." (Sis was on vacation/business in Las Vegas)

Me: "Okay"

Mom: "Do you want to give me your Dad's numbers and I'll call him?"

Me: "No, I'd better do it."

Mom: "Okay, you get in touch with him and make sure he calls Chuck (gives me the number) and I'll keep trying to get in touch with your sister."

Me: "Okay"

Mom: "I love you! I'm so sorry son!"

Me: "I love you too Mom!"

I sit back against the couch trying to catch my breath/breathe/understand what is going on. Adrianne looks at me, gets up off the other couch, and come sits next to me. "What's wrong? What's going on?"

"Grandpa Condray passed away" is pretty much the only thing I can get out. "I've gotta call Dad and tell him" comes out next. She puts her arms around me and hugs me. "I'm so sorry baby!"

I get up and walk around a little bit. Just trying to think about what I'm going to say to my father, when I have to tell him his father is dead.

I look up his first number in my cell phone's phonebook and press "call".

Someone on the other end: (lots of noise in the background) "Yellope?"

Me: "Hey!"

Someone on the other end: "You wanna order a pizza?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Someone on the other end: "This is Joe's Pizza, you want something?"

Me: "No, I'm trying to get a hold of John Condray."

Someone on the other end: "John?! John! You over there?! Yeah, hold on! He's sitting in the corner drinkin' a beer!"

Me: "Thanks."

Dad: "Hello?"

Me: "Hey. Its your son."

Dad: (joking tone in his voice) "It is? What the hell's going on?"

Me: "Are you coherent?"

Dad: "Yeah? What's going on?"

Me: "I need you to be coherent and get away from everyone else that is around."

(the noise ends)

Dad: "What's going on?"

Me: "Well, I've got some bad news."

Dad: "What is it son? What's going on?"

Me: "Well, Chuck, Grandpa's friend, has been trying to get a hold of you, but couldn't get you. Then he tried to call Michelle but got Mom instead."

Dad: "Okay?"

Me: "Well, Chuck found Grandpa passed out on the floor. He's passed away."

Dad: silence

Me: "I'm so sorry Dad."

Dad: silence

Me: "I really didn't want to have to tell you this."

Dad: "I know. Its okay."

Me: "I'm sorry."

Dad: "You don't have to be sorry about anything. Yeah, this is bad. Bad news. I, I hadn't talked to him in a little while. He was doing so well."

Me: "I know. Chuck wants you to call him. I've got his number right here."

Dad: "No, no I've got it here on my phone. I'll call him."

Me: "Okay"

Dad: "Have you talked to your sister?"

Me: "No, not yet. Mom is trying to get in touch with her."

Dad: "That's right, she's still in Vegas, right?"

Me: "Yeah, Mom's got a couple calls in to her."

Dad: "Okay, I'll try to call her too. I gotta call Chuck."

Me: "I love you Dad."

Dad: (noticeably weeping) "I love you too son."

Me: "Give Chuck a call and call me back. It can be tomorrow if need be. Just let me know what's going on and what you need me to do."

Dad: "No, I'll call you back after I get off the phone with him."

Me: "Okay. I love you Dad. I'm so sorry."

Dad: "Its okay. I love you too. I'll talk to you shortly."

Me: "Okay. I'll talk to you then. Bye bye."

I don't ever want to have to do something like that again. I can't even imagine what its like to be a police officer and have to tell someone that one of their loved one's has died.

So, tomorrow we're heading to Missouri. The viewing is Thursday night and the funeral is on Friday afternoon. I thought I'd go up there a day early to be with my Dad for a little while. He's an only child, and with his Mom in a nursing home up there, he's basically got no one else besides Michelle and I.

I know things have been bad between he and I in the not so distance past, but now is not the time to worry about that stuff. Now is a time for healing and helping, and that's what I'm trying/planning to do.

The thing is, I don't really know how to feel. Of course I'm sad, but I'm not overwhelmed with grief, like most would be. I didn't really know my Grandpa. I never really spent much time with him when I was growing up. I'd see him about every time we visited Missouri, but it would sometimes be 2 or 3 years in between times we'd see him, because we couldn't run him down. So, I didn't have a real relationship with him, like I have with both of my Grandma's.

I guess I have some things to deal with?