THE DAILY DIVERSION

SCOURING MY BRAIN FOR A LITTLE ACTIVITY

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

THE LETTER THAT WILL NEVER BE SENT...

This is from a little while back (actually about 6 months ago, while we were on our Honeymoon in Mexico) and it directly relates to things that I have been thinking about lately. I thought about never posting it on here. I want it to be better. I guess, somehow, I believe that if I get this out there, then it will make some difference.

For what it's worth:

Dad,
I'm not really sure where to start this, but I think "I love you" is a good place. Regardless of everything else I may say in this letter, just remember that.

I do love you, despite everything. Despite your selfishness, your faults, your childishness. I gave up a long time ago trying to understand what you want out of life or how you plan to be there. I gave up a long time ago the thought of you being more than just a "good buddy". I knew that you had the potential to be a great influence on my life, but you never strived to reach that.

There is so much good in you, and you know so much, yet you never seem to want to stick it out through the hard times and fight for anything, unless it benefits you somehow monetarily. It seems, anymore, that the only time you reach out to your children is to belittle us and make us out to be bad people. What really needs to happen is you to look in the mirror before you pick up that phone.

Believe me, we love to hear from you. We like to know that our father is okay and cares about us. However, we don't like to be told that we're selfish and be doing such and such. If you truly believe that, then come up (get off your ass and do something) and tell us personally. In other words... Lead by EXAMPLE! It's what I try to do in my life. It's one of few lessons that Frank taught me that I've tried to hold on to.

I have tried very hard to make sure Grandma is happy. I know I'm the closest to Missouri, thus making me the "point man" with her. However, I can't always be there. Neither can Michelle. We try to though. We make the effort, as feeble as you may think it is. I only have so much time I can be away from my job, and, unfortunately, my career is important.

Yes, I have a career. I plan on being with it for a long time, and, sometimes, I have to sacrifice other things in my life for it.

That being said, if there has been an emergency, you know who has been there and who hasn't. So, don't you ever pull that shit again on either Michelle or I, unless you plan on "walking the walk" and doing the same thing you're saying we should do.

Now, onto what this letter is really about...

I have forgiven you for a lot of things you have done over the years. I've repressed memories just to try to keep some positive ones of you in my head. I've tried so hard never to be vengeful or spiteful toward you, and even to respect you (because you are my father) even when I probably shouldn't have.

With that being said...

I will never forgive you for what you did to me on my wedding day. You were the ONLY person who made me feel anything but joy and happiness that day. You are the ONLY person who made me cry tears of sadness and anger that day.

They say there is a time and a place for everything. I do believe your timing was 100% wrong.

There's nothing that can be done about it now though, since it's already happened.

I've been trying to enjoy my honeymoon, but the only fucking thing that keeps rattling in my head, both awake and asleep, is you making me sad on my wedding day, and I finally had to get it out, before it absolutely ruined this beautiful time for me.

I sincerely hope you read this letter and can understand where I'm coming from. It may make you angry, and probably should, but, more than that, I hope it makes you think about your relationship with your children (even though we're not kids anymore). After all, we're all you really have in this life.

We've always wanted you in our lives, and have tried, painstakingly, to make it happen. However, it feels, to both of us, that it's a one way street, and we're always the one's doing all the work.

I'm not asking anything out of you. I've tried not to, up to this point, and won't from here on out. Michelle won't ask anything of you either.

If you are content with the relationship you have with your children, then we are set. Nothing will ever get any better or, possibly, worse. If you are not happy with "our" relationship, then the ball is in your court. We've both resigned to the fact that you have your own little world, and we won't do anything out of the ordinary to disrupt it.

I've been torn up inside for too long about all of this. I'm tired of fighting a battle I can't win. If you want more, please, at least try, because we've both given up.

Love,
John
||Inflicted on you by John, at 4:34 PM

0 Comments:

What do you think?