THE DAILY DIVERSION

THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION... EVER!

Well, I was thinking about not making a post today, but changed my mind. It's been a pretty boring day down here. The weather was nice, but I didn't leave the apartment until 9 pm tonight, and that brings us to the most important question ever to be asked?

WHEN IS A GOOD TIME TO GO TO WAL-MART?

When I was in college we'd always go some time after midnight, but then, we weren't always really shopping. We were there to mess around and waste time. Usually we were drunk, so that always made it interesting. Now, however, as an adult I have to actually go in order to get food and other things that I need to survive, like nice cushy toilet paper (Charmin Ultra Mega Roll 12 pack) and Sprite Zero. It seems that I can never go at the right time now and it's always packed. Is that just me? I guess everyone feels the same as me now, and decides to go at 9 or 10 pm on a weekend, thus the long lines and waiting to check-out?

I can't really complain too much about tonight though, because it wasn't that bad. I left downtown Memphis right at 9 pm and went over to West Memphis, Arkansas (which is only 10 minutes away at the most), mostly because the tax rate is lower in Arkansas than Tennessee. The 3.75% tax difference can be a nice chunk of change when you go grocery shopping rarely once a month.

Anyway, back to Wal-Mart... It didn't take me all that long to get there and get started. This time around I was smart and made a list of everything I need. This served two obvious purposes... 1) Remind me of what I need, and 2) Keep me from buying a ton of shit I don't need. Well, I pretty much stuck to the list, give or take 5 items or so. Not too bad, if I do say so myself.

My cart was only about half full when I was ready to check out. I head to the check out lanes, and there are a total of 4 lanes open on the grocery end of the store (One express, one self-checkout, and 2 regulars). I had more than 20 items, so that ruled one out. I checked out the two regular lanes, but each were at least 4 carts deep, so that left me one choice. I roll up to the self checkout and am 4th in line. The first person is finishing up, and then there's a guy with only 2 items. We move right along. The family in front of me have a cart a little more full than mine (hey, she had 2 kids, so what do you expect), so I don't get to bothered about waiting a little longer. I kick back, check my voicemails, and read the crazy tabloids covers. I love that shit! The paparazzi pics of celebs just amuse the hell out of me.

**Okay, I have to give a little background info here. I haven't had the most luck with the self checkout line. Nine times out of 10 I have to have one of the workers come over and fix the stupid thing, so I usually try to go elsewhere, if possible.**

She finishes up after about 5 minutes and I start unloading my goodies onto the belt. The woman behind me immediately starts the huffing and puffing, like I'm really putting her out. With this cute little action, I decide that I'll be a little bit of an asshole. Hell, she deserves it, right? As I'm putting my things on the belt, I look up at her and just smile my best shit-eatin' grin I have, just to let her know that I'm going to take a little while. I get most of the things out of my cart and start the scanning process. Instead of filling both bags and then putting them in the cart, I decide to go one bag at a time. It's just a thing of beauty. Everything is going good and all of a sudden.... BANG!!!! I push the touch screen to "skip bagging" and it comes up with an error "Needs authorization to skip bagging". What the hell is that all about? Someone has to okay that I'm not putting something in a bag? Yeah, that's pretty smart programming.

Anyway, I stand there, not saying anything, waiting for the clerk to come by and help me, after she gets done helping someone else with something. My inability to make the machine work and non-desire to bother the clerk, obviously begins to drive the woman behind me insane. She gets out of line, away from her cart, and walks over the clerk, who's two lanes over, and says (in the loudest possible manner) "Yeah! We need some help over here!" (pointing at me) I just stand there and smile. It's amusing to me, because I can be the biggest asshole when I want to be. The clerk gets over to me as quick as possible and tries a couple of times to type in her password. She says "I know I know my password" and types is in again, but it fails. I just laugh and say to her "You don't know your password do you?" She laughs with me and punches in the right combo of numbers this time around. I finish up my scanning and am ready to head home.

It took maybe 3 minutes for my entire checkout process, but it must've seemed like 2 hours to the woman behind me. She virtually pushed my cart out of her way when I grabbed my receipt. I made sure to turn back to her and give her another nice smile, as if saying "It was my pleasure pissing you off tonight!"

So, my day was made! I got back downtown by 10:15, so I can't really complain too much about this latest trip to Wal-Mart. Usually I absolutely hate going, because I go at the worst possible times, but this time was allllll-right.

Here's your lesson for today: If you've ever been that person (I know I have) that huffs and puffs about having to wait a few minutes to checkout, then here's a warning... There are people like me out in the world that find great joy in drawing out your pain, so just relax and be patient. If you get pissed off, just try to smile and act like you don't care. The more you make your feeling known, the more I'm going to work on driving you crazy.

Let that sink in a little bit.... Got it? Good!

Now, time for bed! Well, maybe not yet. I'm interested in seeing Pacific in their conference championship game against Long Beach State.